A grief calendar: What it is and why you need one

Craig and I recently sat down together to figure out timing for a family trip this year. Our window for traveling is narrower than usual. We don’t want to go too late into my current pregnancy when traveling is more difficult, but we also don’t want to go to early in the spring when the weather is cold.

We chose a window that made the most sense on several fronts, juggling work schedules, school, time of the year, timing in pregnancy. But before we made a firm decision, I also ran through a special calendar I keep for our family: our grief calendar.

The grief calendar includes significant dates and seasons that marked Craig’s first wife’s illness, and eventually her death. The way he and our big kids grieve each year might shift (and it has), but keeping a calendar of these dates allows me to anticipate when we might need extra space for big emotions, extra time for rest, or purposeful family time doing something fun.

In this case, the week we chose for our family vacation spans three very significant dates—the day of Katie’s death, Jensen’s birthday, and Katie’s birthday, all three of which happen very close together.

Ultimately, we decided to take the trip that week anyway. We’ve found that being away from home for a few days can be really helpful in heavy grief seasons, particularly around Katie’s death anniversary. We will purposefully choose lodging that gives us a lot of freedom during those days—whether that looks like a desire to be busy and choose a fun family activity nearby, or whether it looks like having a low key day together at a house with some comfort food and extra snuggles.

The process of grieving isn’t necessarily linear, but in our house we’ve learned that it can be cyclical. Having a grief calendar to reference allows us to plan ahead for seasons that we know might be harder for our family. Are they guaranteed to be heavy and sad? No. Each year we’ve been a family has included different seasons and expressions of grief. But being conscious of times that our family might need some extra TLC helps us create the space we might need to be gentle with each other.

How to make a grief calendar

I find it helps to have a physical calendar with months at a glance. You’ll use it to write down any important dates related to the grief in your family.

Here are some dates you might want to think through and consider including. Not all of them will apply to every grieving situation, but they may be a helpful beginning point from which to brainstorm.

When was/were:

· Symptoms first noticed?

· Diagnosis received?

· Any specific medical tests/surgeries/hospital stays/etc?

· Birthdays, anniversaries, other significant family dates?

· Time in hospice?

· Date of death?

· Timeframe of events surrounding death? (For example, was it sudden, such as an unexpected car accident? Or was there a long illness preceding death? If it spanned a longer time, I would add more than just the date of death to the calendar. In our situation, there was a lengthy hospice stay before Katie passed away, and our grief season surrounding her actual death tends to begin around when she entered hospice.)

· Funeral?

· Significant estate processing events you remember?

· Significant/favorite holidays you shared as a family before death?

When you’re finished, you’ll have a calendar you can use at a glance. We find it so helpful to have as a reference as we make plans throughout the year—when life is full, it’s a way we can be intentional about helping our family to process and heal.

Why we use a grief calendar

In a culture where it’s easy to become mindlessly busy, our grief calendar helps us keep from over-committing around grief days.

While we know that not every year will look the same, it helps us to anticipate when our family might need extra room for big emotions.

When we’re referencing our grief calendar regularly, we often have more grace with each other.

As a mom, I know that there are certain months I can expect extra big emotions from our kids, even if they aren’t always able to articulate why. I know I can expect extra fatigue from Craig, even if he doesn’t always make the connection between grief and exhaustion. Knowing the season we’re in helps me respond in gentleness, and helps me know when to lean in and process with my family.

The calendar helps us know when we will need to make an extra effort to make fun family memories.

For example, Jensen’s birthday lands just a few days after Katie’s death. If we’re not careful, it’s easy for that day to be overshadowed with sadness. Our calendar helps us think ahead—what fun thing will we purposefully do to celebrate Jensen this year, even if the season feels heavy?

The calendar also helps us reclaim different areas of the year.

For example, Christmas felt especially heavy this past year. We know that some years will feel this way; it’s not uncommon for holidays and grief to be intertwined. But we also know we don’t want our kids to go through life with the expectation that Christmas will be sad. Christmas grief isn’t the legacy we want for their families as they grow up, marry and have kids.

And so like Jensen’s birthday, knowing that Christmas has the potential to feel heavy, we can choose in advance what we’ll do to create family memories that are joyful. We won’t refuse grief. If it shows up, we’ll acknowledge it and work through it. But we will also be proactive about protecting our family from grief triggers where we can, and we’ll do our best to facilitate intentional fun and laughter.

We get to choose

If it feels overwhelming to see all the seasons through the year that have capacity for grief, let me offer you some hope. Not every year will look the same. Not every season that can include grief will include grief. This calendar is not a guarantee of sad days your family will deal with through the year—it’s an opportunity as you go through your year, to make room for the seasons when grief might be a close companion.

We don’t necessarily get to choose whether grief shows up or not. If you’re a family that has experienced a loss in some way, grief will be there. But we do get to choose how to respond to it.

We get to choose whether we run away, creating days that are so busy there’s no room to acknowledge our feelings. We get to choose whether we numb our emotions with screens or other distractions. We get to choose whether we live in never-ending seasons of sadness, without intentionally adopting thoughts and motions and activities that help us move forward.

And we also get to choose how we intentionally care for our families in seasons of grief. We get to choose how we acknowledge and work through our memories and emotions, and how we honor those we’ve lost by making room for joy again.