On time (and how we are really never out of it)

My journey to familyhood and motherhood was a long, winding road. I was praying for a family for a decade before God answered that prayer—and he was perfectly on time.

But I’ll be the first to tell you, I wasn’t always the best at waiting on him.

There were seasons where I experienced a lot of joy in singleness, having the freedom to pursue things I loved. There were also seasons of sadness, frustration, even anger, at the Lord. He usually doesn’t explain his timing, and eventually I really didn’t believe it would be possible for me to have a family. There were seasons of grieving that dream and learning to trust him anyway—remembering that my choice to follow him was never based on a promise of receiving what I wanted, but rather based on the cross and his sacrifice to cover my own sin. It was a long, humbling, wonderful, painful process.

At the end of it, God did answer my prayer for a family—in a very unconventional way.

Now when I look back, there are things I wish I could go back and tell myself as I waited.

God is not wasting this time.

I know it feels like nothing is happening, like you’re watching so many others walk down a path you want more than anything else—but just because you don’t know what he’s doing does not mean God is not paying attention or wasting time. He has a purpose, and he is still using this season for your growth and your good. Press in and be faithful.  

It matters who you are becoming. 

Sometimes when we’re not where we want to be (and we don’t really see where we want to be looming on the horizon) it can be easy to slip into an attitude of “it just doesn’t matter.” Why put in work towards a particular area of growth or development that will serve me in a season I’m not even in? And don’t see coming?

But it matters. If you want to be ready for what God has for you, you must walk faithfully with him and continue to become a person more rooted and grounded in him.

It is always worth trusting God’s timing. 

Even when it doesn’t make sense. Sometimes when he answers prayers, those answers involve other people too—and so he’s at work for your good and their good simultaneously.

Twice while I waited, I had wise friends suggest, “Maybe in this season you are ready for marriage and motherhood, but the man God has chosen for you isn’t yet.” I usually found that I felt exceptionally frustrated over this idea—if he’s God, then he should be capable of getting this all in order, yes?

But after the fact, when we were a family and could look back and trace the ways God was at work, my friends had been right. The two seasons where I most deeply wrestled with singleness and frustration with the Lord over waiting on him, were the two seasons when my now-husband was first walking through his wife’s diagnosis of cancer, and then navigating her death.

God was still at work for all of our good—even in the midst of brokenness and loss—and his timing was perfect.

Time spent waiting is not wasted. 

This statement makes an assumption that when we’re waiting for a desire to be fulfilled, we’re actively waiting, rather than just sitting around like bumps on a log.

If we’re waiting actively, we’re still being intentional towards growth, we’re getting out and doing the things we enjoy (rather than waiting to enjoy those things in a future season with a spouse), we’re investing in the passions God has built into our hearts. There were so many experiences I had in different areas of life while I waited for a family that God is using today in the family he gave me. Actively waiting on the Lord to fulfill a desire (while having a full range of life experience in the meantime) is never a waste of time.

God is never out of time.

I didn’t realize how much I wrestled with the idea of running out of time until I began to write this list of things I wish I could go back and tell myself during the waiting years.

This was such a big lesson that I have had to learn over and over and over. God doesn’t operate within my construct of time, and he’s not bound by the limits of time. Just because I look at a situation and don’t see how it’s possible for the math to add up doesn’t mean he can’t still make the math add up.

When I turned 30, I really struggled with this. I had always hoped to have a larger family—which takes years to build. I was single, and relationships also take time to build. I had PCOS and had been told it was unlikely I’d be able to conceive babies without help, and adding that reality to the mix potentially added a great deal of extra time to the whole process.

I traveled over that birthday, beginning to come to grips with the reality that my next decade was unlikely to include the seasons of life I had hoped and prayed for—simply because, even if all the pieces lined up, there wasn’t enough time.

Another year would pass before I met my husband. But when I did, I would go from being a single woman who worked full time, to a wife and mother of three. Over the following years, I would naturally conceive and carry two babies to term, growing to a family with five kids in the space of three years.

He is never out of time.

Usually I write to solidify in my own mind and remember what the Lord did. I never want to forget the ways we’ve watched him answer prayers.

But I also hope our story can encourage others. Sometimes when you’re waiting, watching the hours or the days or the years tick by, it can be easy to lose hope.

But God isn’t bound by our clocks or our limits, and he sees you and loves you. Don’t give up. <3